I came into (and out of) divorce confident that I was good. I had been working on myself for years. I had done therapy during my marriage! Lots of it! I journaled. I meditated. I did things I loved, like dance and gardening. I had friends. I was good.
But really, I was a spicy, hot mess. I was lonely. I was thirsty for attention and touch. I was disoriented. I was angry. I had tons of grief. And I wasn’t really feeling my feelings about it – instead hurtling into a fast-paced round of dating, combined with single-parenting and running a company. I was fueled by low-level anxiety and dark chocolate.
It was a roller coaster. That’s what my friends called it anyway. Sometimes deliriously, dashingly fun, sometimes cold, rock-bottom painful. I didn’t make the best choices, particularly around dating. It impacted my parenting, which is my biggest regret.
When you’ve spent years – or decades, in my case – oriented around another person, I think no matter how much inner work you’ve done, or how long you’ve been separated, when that contract is dissolved, there’s a healing period. There’s a reorientation. It takes time, patience, space and a lot of self-love. A LOT.
I sat across from a dear, dear friend the other night, who is right where I was: freshly living alone in her house, her spouse having packed up and left. I felt urgent in communicating my thoughts and recommendations: how to do it better than I did.
And then I thought: “I have to write this down, in case it’s helpful to others.”
I am not a therapist or counselor. I’m not a coach. The only training I have is my own experience, my longtime self-inquiry, and the countless books I’ve read, therapy & coaching sessions I’ve experienced, and workshops I’ve completed. But I do think there’s something here that might be of use.
Recommendation #1. Circle your people.
Ultimately the most healing part of my experience has been the circle of friends, coaches and therapists that have loved me and held space for me. They’ve had my back and held my hand on a daily/weekly/monthly basis.
I didn’t prioritize this at first. I had friends - and good ones - but I didn’t know how to trust other women the way I do now, to have the deep friendships I now have.
When we are feeling utterly alone and disoriented, particularly when our family-of-origin experiences involved feeling alone and disoriented, it’s super-duper healing to have people communicate on the regular: “I am here, I am here, I am here. I see you, I see you, I see you.”
My nervous system has learned that I am not alone, not ever actually. In that there is deep strength. Feeling my connection to community, nature and the divine (recommendation #5) grounds me in a way that nothing else has. And that groundedness gives me a gorgeous confidence to navigate my own life. (I lose it, and regain it, over and over. Just FYI.)
Back to you, my dear friend. Find people that listen well, and offer mirroring and reflection in just the way that feels good to you. Find people that have room for you to be messy – particularly when you feel endlessly messy – especially people you trust who communicate clearly.
Make a solid circle, whether they are paid (therapists) or unpaid (friends), whether they are close by, or a phone call away. Figure out who they are, and build your tribe.
Learn to ask for what you need, and offer full friendship in return.
Now, five years post-divorce, one of my favorite things about my big life are my dear, dear friends. They are all different, and wonderful. We text, voice text and video chat regularly – hearing their voices is the greatest joy. We share our lives, asking for what we need, supporting each other, back and forth, as I think women are meant to. It fills me up.
Recommendation #2: Prioritize Your Health
This is ALWAYS important, not matter what. When you’re under extra stress, managing extra emotional loads, it’s essential. Whole foods, hydration, movement, quality sleep, nature time, community time. The basics. I would add to that creative expression and any sort of meditation/prayer.
It can feel like a part-time job – I know. And when there’s a boatload of convenience around, not to mention the beloved desire to emotionally eat, it’s not always easy. But you know what to do. I know you do. It just takes a commitment.
If you need support, get a friend to be a partner in your commitment. Hire a nutritionist or health coach. Join a gym or wellness center that has support. Commit to a regular yoga or dance class.
If you fall off, get right back on that health-centered horse.
When we are nourished, rested, hydrated, and well-moved, our brains work better. We can think, process our emotions, make decisions, and communicate with others WORLDS more clearly.
Recommendation #3: Take Your Time
We can feel urgent about “getting our life together” or finding another mate or getting in shape and feeling good about ourselves. But the more we rush our process, the more we carry our messy stuff into the next phase of our lives. There is no rush. I believe what is for you is for you, and will not miss you. Take your time finding your feet, finding your rhythm, figuring out what you want next, and finding your new ways of relating to the world.
Ask your friends to remind you of this when you forget.
Recommendation #4: Feel the Feels
I know, you don’t want to. You’re ready for joy, and a little fun, and some freedom. But then there’s that persistent anxiety (in my case), or percolating anger, or bursts of unpredictable crying (also in my case). It can feel overwhelming.
But you gotta. Make yourself a container. Friends, therapists, coaches. Scheduled pillow-punching. Breathwork, bodywork, energy work. Walks in the woods (my preferred spot). Therapy, especially Internal Family Systems therapy (my preferred modality).
It took me moving to Vermont and living alone – three and a half years after divorcing – to realize that I had grief, anger and fear tucked up tight in my body. It was coming out sideways, and had been for a very long time.
Up here in the woods, I’ve laid in the grass and sobbed, I’ve had countless, countless baths (more crying), I’ve raged in the car, yelling at God, furious that happiness has not found me in the way I want. I’ve leaned against trees and told them my pain, and enjoyed their steady uprightness. I’ve danced to emotive music, and cried to emotive music, I’ve laid on the kitchen floor with exhaustion from crying and dancing to emotive music. I’ve journaled my feels and drawn my feels. I’ve called friends to express the same grief/frustration/anger over and over - and they’ve held me every darn time.
(I’ve also had more whole-bodied pleasure, full out joy and delicious presence than ever before. These things go hand-in-hand.)
If I could start over, this is what I would do first. I would put down as much as I could, create a container for healing, and let myself slowly, softly begin to feel whatever is arising. New pain, old pain. All of it. I would stop “pushing through.” I would learn to trust my body, and make space for whatever she is sharing. I would learn to offer myself deep attunement, witnessing, and love.
What happens over time, with all this love, attunement and care, is joy. Joy rises. And ease. And a delicious sense of possibility. Plus, for me, I get access to creative flow.
What has helped me the very, very most:
- both my internal family systems therapist and my anxiety/spiritual coach
- friends (can’t say this enough)
- expression & movement
- nature
- time to myself, without the distractions of others
You’ll have to find your way with it. It takes experimenting, but it’s worth it.
Recommendation #5: Cultivate Your Spiritual Life
If you’re an atheist, you can skip this section. If you’re not, then here’s another place to focus. Deepen your spiritual connection to your Divine. Practices. Prayers. Community. Whatever lights you up, get after it. In my experience, the Divine is ready and waiting to help you. If you’re interested, I can tell you more about my relationship with God. I have benefitted so much from inviting in more spiritual help. For now, I’ll leave this here.
Recommendation #6: Curate your Feeds
Wherever you take in information, be intentional about curation. That includes all media and people.
The stories you hear – and subsequently tell yourself – are powerful.
Fill your “feeds” with people who tell rocking stories about midlife and beyond, that share models for healthy living and relating, that are building spectacular lives moment-by-moment, that are saying words and sharing ideas that feel GOOD to you.
I love my Instagram feed, and I’m constantly tweaking it. Thought leaders, spiritual teachers, creators, growers - my check-in’s often bring me inspiration and a reminder of the perspectives I want to hold.
I also choose carefully who I talk to and listen to. People will want to tell you stories of miserable divorces and how terrible it is to be a mid-life woman in the dating world. I recommend not spending time there.
(My example: I feel more beautiful and alive and attractive THAN I EVER HAVE. I’m clear about what I enjoy, whether that’s daily activities, qualities in people, adventures. I know what lights me up. I’m lucky to construct a life with a lot of freedom - traveling, visiting friends, getting out in spectacular nature when I want. I have easier access to joy. And I’m 55. )
There’s so much ahead for you, and you have way more choices that you can currently imagine.
Recommendation #7: Date with Caution and Support, or Delay Dating
Like I said before, I came out of divorce a spicy, hot, thirsty mess. Of course, I didn’t think I was. I thought I was good. It makes me laugh, remembering.
For me, jumping into dating was like putting all of my messy energy on offer – my desperation, my ungroundedness, my stuffed emotions, my dysregulation – and consequently, attracting the exact same thing. I was frustrated, finding myself on date-after-date with messy, crazy men. Until I realized how messy and crazy I was.
I’ll make this short: take your time before dating. Get to know yourself. Read the best dating books, take a dating course, hiring a dating coach, build a circle of single, dating friends. Have clear intentions, plus a list of must-haves and deal-breakers. It will keep you saner. Mid-life dating is a ride. Be sure you have the energy for it.
I know, you’re likely hungry for touch and attention and sex. Get massage. Ask friends for long hugs. Go to dance events and classes. If you don’t know how to dance, learn. Learn your own physical pleasures. Enjoy your body in as many ways as you can.
I don’t regret the dating I did - I learned so many things. But it was also an exhausting roller-coaster. I wasn’t centered or clear. I think I might have done better to take a month, or three, or six, before I let friends make me my first dating app profile.
And dating now? Yes, it’s not a cake walk. It takes patience. But it’s so much easier. I have clarity, I’m grounded in my priorities, I have systems.. And when I lose that, I have excellent support. It’s also SO MUCH FUN at times. Oh my. Some of it has been throughly yummy. Now I’m coming to be able to identify - and really appreciate - high quality men. (That’s another post. Stay tuned.)
Recommendation #8: Fall in Love with Your Life
Does that make you want to punch me? It made me want to punch whoever was bold enough to tell me the same. I can still feel the rage.
BUT IT’S THE BEST AND TRUEST ADVICE.
I’m going to write a separate piece on this, because it’s a big topic. I say this now because I want you to start considering what this might mean for you.
I could also call it “Build a Life You Love” – but really it starts with noticing and loving what’s right in front of you.
Ways to start:
- keep lists of what lights you up.
- write down any dreams or desires you have.
- take time to visualize how you want to FEEL.
- notice when you feel good. Pause, and marinate in that.
- have friends describe you to you.
- learn to be present with what’s in front of you. This may be the most important of all.
I’ve also enjoyed and benefitted from any feedback or perspective that helps me understand and see myself, whether that be astrological readings, enneagram analyses, coaching feedback and/or human design charts. For instance, learning that I’m a “projector” in human design has been life-changing!
Bottom line: start to study yourself, and begin designing from there. I call it my “rockstar life.” I’m still building it, but when I’m living in alignment with it (like writing to you, here on substack), there’s nothing better.
Besides, it’s the best ground from which to build ANY relationship - whether that be a future partner/lover, or your friends or growing children.
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I hope this helps! If you want any of my resources, just ask. I’m happy to share.
If you have any thoughts or ideas to add, please please post them below! We would all benefit.
Big love.
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