Recently I’ve been poked by two of my dearest people for my positivity. One was kindly ensuring I’m not stuffing my own hurts and heartbreaks. The other suggested that I may not be attuned to the real hardships that life brings to others.
As a mission-driven human, it’s my deep intention to try to bring gentleness and light to my days, for myself and those around me. It really is. I cultivate peace and grounded-ness, which gives rise to joy and kindness. Because I think we all need an extra bit of kindness and peace.
Besides I like feeling that way — grounded, peaceful, present. It’s a worthwhile endeavor for my sweet life alone.
I’ve built a business that’s about bringing these qualities to children — joy, wonder, curiosity, kindness. We want our stories to be a form of nourishment for young minds and nervous systems.
But it’s maybe not what you think. So I wanted to write a piece in defense of Sunshine & Rainbows as my job. My sweet soul’s job.
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Mr. Rogers is one of my heroes. We GenXers adore him, don’t we? In fact, I’ve never heard a peep of criticism about his work. His predominant face was one of love and kindness.
But he met hard things. He spoke honestly about them. And he returned to the messages of inclusion, kindness and love, over and over. He brought lightheartedness to every show.
And we appreciate him for it.
Today there are plenty of people representing worst-case scenarios. There are a lot of bad news and hard headlines. There are — understandably — a lot of people who openly share their grief and rage on social media and elsewhere. (We are all carrying a lot.)
I think we need counterpoints. Contrast. Mr. Rogers helps me value what I’m trying to do.
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I’m not only showing up with sunshine, I have a surprising ability to hold space for the hard emotions and experiences of others. You bring it: grief, rage, fear. I can make room for so much, without judgment. (If anger/rage is directed at me, it’s a little bit harder, but that’s gettable.)
It’s a skill I learned in childhood. Girls who grew up in the 70’s and before were highly trained to be nice, sweet, kind, thoughtful, helpful, selfless. If you’re a female, you know the list. Everything else needed to be zipped up, so we could be acceptable and accepted.
Plus I had extra opportunities to suppress my own full emotional spectrum, while holding the big emotions of the adults around me.
So I’ve got it dialed in.
I think of it as a gift.
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But I’m not 100% love-and-light all the time. Oh, friend. Not. At. All.
I’m blessed with a sensitive system and a big emotional life. Being in the world can be a lot. Grief and sadness move through me like surprising, irregular waves. Anger and rage are my teachers. And anxiety! Good Lord, anxiety has been a regular visitor who seriously overstays. Let’s call these storms, want to?
Maybe my emotional life is full of storms because of all the years of not managing it well. Or maybe I’ve always been wired this way, and I’m living into my own authenticity. Regardless I do know that the mid-life moment has really enabled me (aka forced me) to learn to care for myself in the stormy times.
Now I make a practice holding space for all of my emotions, especially the difficult ones.
Sometimes I have room, sometimes I’m forced to make room. I do not “spiritually bypass”* — trust me. I try to deal with whatever life is asking of me. My body won’t let me suppress or bypass — not for long anyway. I have to do the work, on the daily. Moment-to-moment even.
Now I have friends who hold space and love me for all that I am — negative emotions included. I not only get to feel my difficult feels, I get to share them openly, and enjoy the experience of feeling seen and loved at the same time.
But wait: let’s not forget the therapists and coaches! Praise Be for their help. I grew my capacity to feel, along with the courage to share my feelings, on many a therapeutic couch. I’m still learning and growing my capacities.
What’s most amazing to me is this: when I make room - total room - for my harder emotions, and give them the presence they seek, on the other side of that is natural ease and peace. The storm clears and there’s access to sweet joy. It’s pretty incredible.
And then I get to share it with others. With you.
That’s my Sunshine & Rainbows practice. (Really it’s my presence practice, from which comes Sunshine & Rainbows.)
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My growth edge is in love relationships. My history-of-love features men who like my sunshine & rainbows - but storms are not really welcome. Whether that’s their capacity, or my projection, or both, I’m not sure.
But I’m working on it.
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I also have to make hard choices to protect my peace. I don’t read or watch the news most of the time - I mostly read headlines. I don’t watch violent or disturbing movies. I avoid foods that make me overstimulated or depressive. I have to exercise in a certain way. I have to get out in nature on the daily. I have to take sweet care of myself. All the time. Which isn’t always fun. But then I know the reward of it. The more I make aligned choices, the better I feel. I do it because it’s my job. (Sunshine & Rainbows, people!)
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So in defense of Sunshine & Rainbows: know that it can be hard won, cultivated from the darkest emotional material, born from daily practice.
I don’t pretend to have all the answers. In fact, I feel like my sphere of understanding is quite small, derived from the specificity of my own experience. I know what I know.
As it resonates through me and I share it, I hope it resonates for you too.
Big love.
* I think we’re all entitled to a little “spiritual bypassing” from time to time, as a survival strategy.
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