I thought he might be the one. He was successful, handsome, and ever so smart. His work was mission-driven. He wanted to talk about big things like values, and how to build a deep and lasting love relationship. Our conversation felt so open, easy, straightforward, and honest. In fact, we talked about how relating this way is essential for a strong partnership. I could see threads of all the things I want, combined with curious connections to my life story. Could it be destiny?
We talked almost every night for a week before we met in person - including one three-hour zoom - and I was smitten. He drove three hours across New England to have dinner with me. By the next day, we were talking about being exclusive, though we’d only just met. He told me he had to “wrap some things up” but that he wanted to focus on me and me alone. He never imagined there could be a woman like me. I was pinching myself.
I found out the following day he had a girlfriend. And was barely divorced.
Ah, well.
Now I know this isn’t uncommon - finding men that are either married and getting their needs met through Bumble, or men that are fresh out of marriage and so thirsty for love and attention, they make bad decisions. It’s important to be watchful, thoughtful, and move slowly. (And I have had very strong rules about this - I only date fully available men, which ideally are a year or more beyond their divorce.)
The fact is, I was ignoring some of the things this man was telling me and showing me from the start. He is still smart, handsome, successful - I continue to think he’s fascinating - but he is also very clearly in the messy place of newly divorced. I ignored everything that indicated “this might not be ideal” - like his constant emphasis on honesty at all times. There were definitely some big red flags. But I didn’t care.
That’s because I have a part* of myself that believes in love at first sight. I call her the Disney Princess. She KNOWS her Prince is about to appear - could it be him just there? Or him? Or HIM? She is looking for the signs - and ready to ignore red flags as long as she feel lit up with possibility. And once she has opened her heart to someone - which can take one date, or even 10 minutes into one date - she goes full in, as if her Fairy Godmother has orchestrated the match and she’s ready to walk the aisle in her tiara. Tomorrow, if the invite is there.
She doesn’t do this with every man. In fact, it’s very few. She’s picky, luckily. But once she is on deck, she takes over. I use the word “hijack.” She runs my thinking and feeling - which is delicious - until it’s not.
When I was newly divorced, the Disney Princess drew me into a 3-year relationship with a man I love dearly and admire greatly (to this day), but whose relationship wiring was thin at best, and whose dance of hot & cold felt borderline cruel. He was clear the whole time: this is who I am and I’m not changing. But my Disney gal made excuses and saw nothing but possibility - for years. Honestly, she tortured both of us.
I wasn’t aware of her then. But I am now. I’ve come to sense when she’s activated - but she can be so powerful, my bigger, more mature self doesn’t seem to have any sway.
Five years in, I now have other “parts” on deck - including one that’s very protective (I call her the Ice Queen). Once I’ve woken up to a deal-breaker in the man I’m seeing - and the reign of Disney Princess is over - I can access my higher thinking. I also now have strong standards - having been divorced for 5 years. I know what I want and I won’t settle for less.
But that doesn’t stop little Miss Disney from drawing me into some intense, fabulous-for-a-time relationships with dynamic men who are absolutely not a match.
But here’s the deal: I strive to LOVE that part. She is part of my natural wiring. I am a big feeler, love the intensity of life, and enjoy powerful attraction. I want to appreciate my Disney Princess as a dynamic facet of me. Does she come from early wounding? I’m sure of it. Does she live big? Absolutely. Do I want her to run my life forever, all the time? Absolutely not. Do I want access to her when I do find an excellent match? Yes I do.
After this last round of fast fireworks, I’ve decided I want to pull in another “part.” I’m calling her Jane - as in Jane Bennet of Pride & Prejudice. I want a little Jane in my dating life - lovely, kind and very restrained, waiting to see how the man shows up for her. I know full well I could never be 100% Jane Bennet - but even 2% might help me to make better choices about the man I choose to let close to me.
And now, I’m excited to try again. (Thanks Disney Princess!) Wish me luck.
:::
*I have done years of therapeutic work within the frame of Internal Family Systems Therapy. It’s hands down the most effective style of therapy I’ve ever done. It’s taught me to think of aspects of myself as “parts,” and to relate to them individually, with love and kindness.
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